My daily struggle

For almost 4 years now I have been secretly dealing with something almost daily. I had thought about blogging about it before, but it is so personal I had decided not to. When I decided I definitely wanted to, because I feel like it is something covered up and hidden far too often, I thought about making a separate blog, since that is a bit more "professional" but truth is, I can barely manage this blog, much less two of them. So I will be talking about it here, on this blog, and everything else I want to talk about here, because it's my blog, and I'll do what I want!
think cartman, heehee

So....what is this mystery issue? It's post partum depression. Some of you already know it is something I was diagnosed with after I had weebaby, what many of you do not know, however, is that I suffered from ppd after having weelassie, who is 3 and 1/2. I was not diagnosed after I had her because I refused to believe I had ppd. I blamed my ex for not being supportive enough, I blamed our finances saying that I was just stressed over them, and mostly I blamed myself for not being strong enough to handle being a mother.

My ex ended up being my ex, I believe, because of ppd. I began to resent and even hate him. I am thankful for that because now I have hubby, but I do believe that if I had of sought after the help I needed there is a very big chance ex and I would still be together.

Ppd transitioned into very deep depression shortly after weelassie turned 2 and shortly after that ex and I split up. The depression only worsened until I was saved in october 2008. In February of 2009, however, I found out I was pregnant with weebaby. It was a miserable pregnancy, and after I had her I felt the same way I felt after I had weelassie. This time, however I went to the doctor, and I was put on antidepressants. It was no overnight miracle, but it made day to day life more bearable. That is, until my insurance ran out, then I couldn't afford it anymore. I weaned myself off of it, and I am still suffering, nearly 5 months later.

It is not what I imagined depression to be. I didn't sit around crying all day. My emotions were erratic. I would be happy, then less than 5 months later, so angry I could hardly control myself, then almost immediately completely broken.

Since I weaned myself off of my medicine I have seen many "good" days, and many "bad" days. I can always tell first thing in the morning which day this day will be. I can just tell by my outlook. There are days I do not want to speak to anyone, there are days I do not even want to hear myself think, I just want to disappear. Just not exist for 24 hours. There are other days I want to be around people and have fun. My favorite kind of days are the ones in which I want to spend time with my babies. The days I really enjoy them.

I think the most frustrating part is not the mood swings, it is not even the "bad" days, no, the worst part is the lack of control. I just can NOT make myself feel a certain way. I have no control whatsoever over my emotions and it kills me. I want to be in a good mood, I want to enjoy my children and appreciate my husband every day, but I just can't, which only makes me feel worse.

I feel guilty for the way I feel, I feel guilty for the things I do and even more for the things I don't do (housework, play with the kids, etc) on my bad days.

I feel stuck. Like this is the hand I have been dealt and there is nothing I can do to change it. I don't want my kids growing up with a mother like this. This is not who I want to be. But I feel like it is beyond me and I do not understand what I am supposed to do. We can't afford the medicine, we can't afford counseling, we can't afford for me to stay in this condition.

All I can do is pray. I believe that in God's time I will be healed of this disease. I am convinced that depression is a disease, and I do believe that it can kill people. I do not want to be one of those people.

I feel better, and worse at the same time after putting on this in words.

In some ways I didn't realize how serious it was until I started writing, in other ways I feel like others will read this and know how I feel. I do not believe I am alone. I believe that a lot of women are ashamed to admit their feelings and their thoughts. I know personally I am afraid it somehow makes me a "bad mother".

I can not completely describe my feelings, but now it is out there, I hope this encourages someone else to speak out about something they are going through.